Arwen Aria Hortense Moonbeam, one third warrior queen, one third fairy queen, one third regular queen, ruler of the kingdom of Cogglegrog, sits in her royal bedchamber combing her ass-length, wavy hair. There's a knock at her chamber door.
"Enter please," she instructs. Her voice is sexy, yet powerful. Also, she has a British accent.
Behold, it's Glennon, her resident soothsayer/former gypsy, master of all things omen and portent. Glennon looks pretty much like you would expect: wrinkles, hooded velour robe, scepter with a clear glass orb on top, etc.
"Your highness, I fear I have an unfortunate portent to bring to your attention."
"Please, deliver the bad news. Be quick! Get it over with!" Arwen Aria Hortense Moonbeam has a pretty low tolerance for bullshit and small talk. She generally credits this character trait for her success as a ruler/warrior/fairy.
"A vision has just come to me in my little orb thingy. It appears that the Splorglordians are invading from the North. They come on dragons, unicorns, very large serpents, and some other creatures that appear to be a mix of all three. I fear that they will be approaching the edges of our kingdom within a fortnight."
"Our kingdom? Seriously? It's like I give you one velour robe and you..."
"Alright. Sorry. They will be approaching the edges of your kingdom within a fortnight. Anyway, I'm afraid it gets worse. Apparently, due to some really unscrupulous stuff involving your late parents the Warrior/Fairy/Regular King and Queen, the Splorglordians believe that they have a claim to the throne of Cogglegrog."
"What?"
"Okay so, things got pretty hard to follow near the end of the vision. I mean, the orb is pretty small and the resolution isn't the best but, it appears that Thalmar, their ruler, may be the late King's son. So because Thalmar is male and everything, and because, you know, patriarchy..."
"But wait. My late father the King had tons of illegitimate sons. I've easily defeated all of their bogus campaigns for the throne of Cogglegrog. Why does this Thalmar person believe that he's so special?"
"Because apparently, he's not illegitimate. According to their story, he's your full brother. I've never told you this before, but, a few years before you were born, your mother gave birth to a male infant. He had some really weird deformities. Like, I hate to sound insensitive, but basically he looked like a frog. Your mother, being very vain, was horrified. She had her henchman take him away. She didn't even specify where. She was just like 'Ugh. gross. Get it out of my sight!' Your parents then told the people of Cogglegrog that the baby had died at birth."
"So Thalmar the Splorglordian is claiming to be the frog baby?"
"Yes. That's what I'm saying."
"Okay so, what I'm really dying to ask you, Glennon, is: Does this Thalmar person still look like a frog now? Or is he claiming that...his condition...just sort of cleared itself up? Maybe saying that a magic spell, or, like, some enchanted forest animals or something took care of it? Or...?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's unclear. The orb's zoom function wasn't really good enough for me to make out Thalmar's features."
"Alright. Well, that is very very gross. But's it's okay. I'll take care it, just like I always do. You are dismissed, Glennon. Thanks for letting me know."
Following Glennon's exit, the chunky and rustic-looking chamber door bangs to a close. AAHM resumes her grooming, a look of cool and smug competence disguising the anxiety and turmoil building just behind her silvery fairy eyes.
Because the truth is, the people of Cogglegrog are just not the brightest bunch. They're gullible and foolish and easily swayed by an emotional appeal. And they rarely, if ever, vet their sources of kingdom news and gossip. Honestly, if weren't for AAHM's tireless efforts and amazing combat skills, they would have all died at the hands of the Ogres of Gorzot years ago.
AAHM's no fool. She knows how this Thalmar the Splorglordian story is going to sound to the people of Cogglegrog. A rejected and orphaned child rises to power in a foreign land and then comes back to his home to reclaim what is rightfully his? Fuck. They're going to eat it up.
She puts down her alabaster hair brush and rushes down the tapestried hall after Glennon.
"Glennon, fetch me Moreblorb." Moreblorb is AAHM's Secretary of Propaganda.
"I have an assignment for him."
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